This week in Daddy Blogging

Here’s some of what’s been happening in the daddy corner of the blogosphere this week.

Mr. Big Dubya laments the scourge of trolls that have invaded several parenting blogs.

Web Goonies reviews a prototype “bottle sling,” and likes it.

Dadventure notices that fatherhood breeds confidence.

Shotgun Daddy reflects upon his boy’s shifting moods.

Because I’m Your Father identifies the winner of his photo caption contest.

Rude Cactus catches some sleep and installs a “Mia Surveillance System.”

Noodad offers lessons in creatively plating meals for picky eaters.

Two Okapis steps timidly into the daddy blogosphere.

Flagrant Disregard introduces his son to the glories of being able to pee standing up.

What a week.

Live blogging my solo weekend

A couple of months ago, my wife went to a wedding in Ohio. I spend 72 hours alone with the kids, and decided to “live blog” the event. Since many of you didn’t get a chance to read it (and since I have no easy way of getting my old Daddy Daze archives to this new site), I’m reposting it here. Enjoy

Thursday Night: Preparation

Well here we go. My wife is going to a wedding in Ohio (we live in Massachusetts) this Friday, and she’ll be back on Sunday. That means I’m going to be home alone, with Heckle and Jeckle, on Friday, Saturday and Sunday. The AM shift? All me. The PM shift? All me. The overnight shift? That’s right, me. I wonder just when I’m going to snap. Saturday night? Sunday morning? Hmmm.

I usually do the day shift while my wife does the night shift. I hope I can do it. I can do it, right? So, dads who have done this: Tell me I’m not going to wake up in Oregon in the middle of a dissociative episode.

Day 1

8:00 AM: It’s raining like mad. I’ve got to wait for the plumber and the insulation guys to show up (note to self: never buy a summer cottage with the intention of converting it to a year-round residence again). So, that means we’re stuck in the house, forced to skip story hour at the library. Drat.

In other news, William is getting up on all fours, so maybe he’ll crawl! Just don’t tell my wife that she missed it. More later!

11:00 AM: William is napping, and Grace has devised a game that basically requires her to create a stack of books until it falls over. Doesn’t that sound like fun? Whee, it sure is.

I still have a couple of hours before the daily Star Trek marathon begins on Spike TV. So far, so good.

1:19 PM: Post-lunch. Gracie inhaled some Mac N Cheese, carrots and Ranch dip and an orange. Now she’s dropping the kids off at the pool (aka in the bathroom). William is terrorizing the dog in his walker (which is why I’ve taken up wearing boots) and I’m about to drop Gracie in the bed for her nap, feed William and begin MY afternoon. Aaah, Stage I, Day I is almost done.

4:07 PM: The kids are about to get up, and I’m kind of congratulating myself. This house is spic-and-span, the dishwasher and clothes dryer is running, I got some posting done and the confidence is growing. When they get up, we’re stopping by the video store so I can pick up a few movies and Playstation games (for me, of course). How often do I get to watch “blow up” movies and play video games? This evening should be great.

As an aside, I just surfed past Oprah and she’s got Reese Witherspoon. I actually watched for ten minutes. God damn, that Reese one good lookin woman.

8:10PM: They’re in bed! Yeah! Here’s the wrap up from day 1.

Favorite Gracie moment: Telling me the poo poo she made in the potty “…looks like a snowman.” The best part: it kinda did.
Favorite William moment: Splashing so much in the tub that Gracie had to turn her back to him and yell, “Stop, stop stop!”

Day 2

8:00AM: The kids slept well. They both had breakfast and I plopped William in his walker. He immediately ran over Gracie’s feet (that damn thing hurts like hell) and she started screaming like a banshee. Then she dropped the stack of books she was carrying and had screaming fit #2.

I checked both Cape Cod Today and Cape Cod Online to try to find something we could do today, but came up with nothing. Maybe we’ll go walk around the mall. Grace can ride the merry go round and Billy is just happy to look at stuff. It’s the first half of the day that’s the longest. 8:00 AM to 1:00 – 1:30 when they go to bed. We’ve got two meals and lots of free time to cover.

Then they usually sleep until 3:30 or 4:00, and the evening is a breeze: Fool around until 6:00, cook dinner (Gracie “helps,” a great way to keep her occupied while cooking), eat at 6:30, then baths, jammies, stories and bed. Nice!

Well, we’re off. More later.

PS – I rented “Star Wars Battlefront II” for myself last night. I never should have stayed up until 1:30.

2:00 PM: Back from the mall, and the kiddies are sleeping. Actually a good trip. It was packed, or course, but I had no agenda other than to walk around and kill some time (meaning I wasn’t shopping), so I wasn’t the least bit stressed. Now I’m home and tidying up a bit. More later.

8:53 PM – It ends very poorly. I should have known it was too good to be true. After waking up from her nap, Grace was really clingy, whiney and crying. At first I thought she was just still tired, but she just wasn’t cheering up. I ask her if anything hurts, and she says yes. I ask what hurts, and she says her belly. I ask her to show me and she points. So we’re lying on the couch when she pukes for the first time. About 45 minutes later she pukes again. Poor kid. I’ve got William on the floor with a basket of toys, and luckily he seems happy enough. We watch a few DVDs (Yes, I broke down and let her watch DVDs) and eventually I put the both of them to bed.

Oh, man. Poor kid. I hate seeing them sick. Please, oh please let her (us) get through the night. Keep your fingers crossed for us, ok?

Highlight of the day: Gracie in the bathroom pooping quietly, then I hear “Ta Da!”
Low point: See above.

Girl Hair

I may as well just say it: I have no idea what I’m doing with girl hair. If left to its own devices, Gracie’s hair looks like she had just gotten two million volts. It sprays wildly across her face and shoulders, giving her the look of one who is seriously mentally ill. I try to put into a pony tail, but most of it falls out only a couple of hours later. But I’m working on it. I’m learning girl hair.

The first step is the combing. You’ve got to psych yourself up for this, because it’s going to hurt her, and that sucks. I use one of those combs with the wide teeth. I’ve found that if you sort of hold the hair in your hand and let it take up the resistance offered by the fisherman’s knots she ties in there over night, you can save her a bit of agony. But it doesn’t always work 100%. This is why she runs away from me screaming, “Nooooooo!” whenever she sees the comb. Recently, I’ve started singing a little song while I comb her hair. Amazingly, it keeps her calm. It goes:

Knots, knots, get out of her hair
Knots, knots, get out of there.

Now, she says, “Will you sing ‘Knots?’” I don’t question why it works, it just does.

Next, you’ve got to figure out what you’re going to do with it, once you’re done torturing her with the comb. I usually go for the single ponytail. Gathering up her Medussa-esque locks and then wrapping them up in the tiny little scrunchy thing requires manual dexterity that Penn and Teller would envy. Have you ever seen an adult woman effortlessly do a ponytail on herself, without even looking at what she’s doing? That woman is amazing. The single ponytail sounds easy, but it never works for me. The last time I tired it, in fact, one of the Library-Story-Hour-Moms said to me, “That’s a daddy hairstyle if I’ve ever seen one!” Busted.

In the photo above, you see the pigtails. This style is both easier and harder. Easier, because you’ve got less hair to corral at once, and harder because GETTING THEM EVEN IS LITERALLY NOT POSSIBLE. Seriously, just do it once, and call it a day.

Finally, my favorite hair solution: The hat. Just put it on and you’re done. No screaming, no fuss. Plus, everyone says, “Oh, what a cute hat.” This is why God gave us hats if the first place. Use them.

I know I should get one of those books that teaches teenage girls how to make braids and stuff, but if you’re a 34 year old man buying those, you’re just creepy. As for Gracie…let’s hope she likes the short look.

Father to son: Don’t buy crappy beer

This is the first of the Father to Son series of posts, in which I write down important life lessons that I want to remember to share with my son, William.

Bill: Please, don’t buy crappy beer. Life is way too short to drink that swill. Seriously. You’re going to be tempted, but trust me, you don’t have to drink that junk. How do you know you’re drinking crappy beer? If you’re spending $5 on a 12 pack, or if you have an opinion on the “King of Beers vs. Silver Bullet” debate, you’re drinking bad beer.

Now, I’m not talking about when you’re in college and are dirt poor. At that point, you may drink Black Label as long as you do so begrudgingly. Years later, you can regale your own kids with stories of how much more difficult your life was when you were a lad: “I had to walk uphill to work, in 100 degree heat, a grand piano on my back, naked and tired…and when I got home, it was Black Label ’till dawn.” Their respect for you will skyrocket.

Yes, the Coors Party Ball is cheap…for a reason. It tastes like panther piss. I know that the first time you taste a Guinness you’ll be looking for the cigarette that’s just got to be floating inside, but give it a chance. Make dad proud. Someday we’ll sit on the deck on the back of the house and I’ll toss you a Beamish. Being my son, you’ll say, “Ahh, good choice, dad.” I get misty thinking about it.

Mother’s Day is coming. Here’s what to do

Dads: Whatever you do, don’t miss mother’s day. You aren’t the only one changing diapers with a stench that could make paint peel, dealing with the incessant screaming and wondering, “Where did my life go?” Mom is doing it, too. Plus, she had to actually PASS the thing, like a cantaloupe-sized kidney stone. She deserves a present.

If the mom in question is anything like my wife, she loves photos of the kids. And, if you’re like me, your kid(s) sees more flash bulbs throughout the course of a day than Brad and Angelina. So, let’s make one of those snazzy, hard cover photo books. I’m going to use Apple’s iPhoto for this article, but you can also get something very similar from Qoop if you have a Flickr account (basic accounts are free). The Apple books and Qoop books are comparable in quality, pricing and ease of assembly. Ok, let’s go.

The first thing you’ll want to do in iPhoto is select the photos you want in your book. You’ll need 20 at the minimum. Of course, it’s been a year since last Mother’s Day, so surely you can find 20 decent shots from within the last 12 months. Once you’ve located the photos you want, create a new album in iPhoto to store them. First, select “New Album” from the “File” menu. A new album appears on the left hand side. Give it a clever name if you like, and move your selected 20 into it with a simple drag and drop. Now let’s arrange our book.

With your album selected, select the new book icon (pictured at left). Now we’ve got a few choices, including the size of the book, as well as hardcover vs. softcover. As I mentioned before, your kid(s) came OUT OF HER, so let’s swing for the fences and select the large, hardcover option. At this point, you’ll get a graphic representation of your book as well as a list of the photos you’ve selected. To assemble your book, just drag them onto the “pages” in the order you like. You can add text here as well. There are lots of page options for you to play with, like picture arrangement, number of photos per page and so on. Fiddle around, and once you’ve satisfied with the results (or the kids are bugging you to get off the computer), select “Buy book.” Done…and you didn’t have to go to the mall or put pants on. Thank goodness for computers.

But the fun doesn’t end there. iPhoto ‘06 will also let you create calendars and greeting cards with your photos (Qoop does as well, if you aren’t a Mac user). All of this is great, but if you really want to wow her, go with a Life Poster.

The so-called Life Poster was “invented” by Mike Matas (who now works for Apple). Basically, it’s a 20″ by 30″ poster of 98 sized photos. Following Mike’s instructions (it’s easy, really), you’ll get a gift that will knock her socks off. Two years ago, I made such a poster for my wife that featured 98 photos in chronological order, starting with a photo from the day we found out we were pregnant and ending with our daughter’s first Christmas. I had it matted and framed by a shop in town and she went nutty-loopy when she saw it. Once your photo is assembled, you can either order a print directly from Apple, or burn it to a CD and take it to your local camera shop. Just ask them to print it on a 20″ x 30″ sheet. PC users: You’re not out in the cold. Qoop will let you order posters like this, too, using your Flickr account.

Finally, I really like the tiny books that both Apple and Qoop sell. They’re maybe 3″ by 2″ and fit perfectly in a wallet, purse or jacket pocket. Apple charges $12 for 3 of them, so you can give them to lots of folks.

So there you go. Easy, beautiful gifts that you can create/order from your own home. When you knock her socks off on Mother’s Day (and you consequently get some on Mother’s Night), you can leave me a thank you comment.

It’s all happening at the zoo

Today I took the kiddos to the zoo. Zooquarium, to be specific. I tend to think of zoos as horribly depressing places, where people line up to gawk at animals who are serving out life sentences (sans parole) for our amusement, but I keep that to myself. Why ruin the kids’ fun, right?

It was a warm day and things went well for the first hour or so. Grace seems to have gotten over her crippling fear of chickens (a few of them surrounded her once. I know chickens aren’t exactly scary, but she nearly crapped her pants. I was kind of funny), as she went over to the coop to check them out without me. She tormented some geese, as you can see above, and they both enjoyed the sea lion show (or as I call it, The Shameful Display). That is, I think William enjoyed it, it’s kind of hard to tell with a 1 year old. To me, lack of screaming = likes it.

Anyway, we were watching the demonstration with the python when Bill suddenly let loose with his my-hand-is-caught-in-a-printing-press cry, and when I snapped his head towards him, Gracie was standing inches from his face. I don’t know what she did, but she put the hurt on him. So, I picked him up, put her in the stroller, stood up and marched everyone to the car. “We have to leave the zoo because you hurt William,” I told her. Never be afraid to abort the mission, parents. They’ve got to learn that consequences are real.

Maybe 10 minutes into our drive home, she spontaneously said, “I’m sorry, William.” I went nuts with the praise. “Gracie, that is so nice to apologize to William. Thank you for doing that. Good job, honey.” It was nice to be able to reward her again. Of course, once we were in the car, she was off the hook. The punishment was leaving the zoo, not torturing her all day. I got her some fruit, yogurt and milk from Wendy’s on the way home (just after her apology, too, so that worked out nicely). Then we got home and she sat on the can and now they’re both napping.

A good day that went briefly sour but eventually turned itself around. That’s all I can ask for.

Caption This III

Here we go again, it’s time for another photo caption contest. My first one featured President Bush with Flat Stanley, and the second was Natalie Portman teaching a college class. Today’s image features Natalie again (I’ve got the hots for her, ok? There, I said it), only this time she’s spending a little quality time with a chimpanzee in a Coca-Cola shirt, because…oh, who the hell knows why. Anyway, there’s your photo. Now get crackin’ on a caption.

The funniest caption posted by 11:59PM on Friday, May 5th will be rewarded with two shiny, brand-new Apple logo stickers that came with a recently purchased iPod shuffle. Apple logo stickers, man! Get to it.

The Busy Day

Today is going to be one of those insane days. I just signed out a car (I’m at work this morning) so I can drive to Yarmouth (about 25 minutes away) to pick up some stuff I ordered. I’ve then got to zoom back, and swap hard drives in two iMacs. I’ve then got an iPhoto class to teach at noon, which should last until about 1:00. This will be followed by another session of the same class at 3:00 for a 2nd group of people. All of this means I’ve got to stop typing now and get it in gear if I’m going to adhere to my schedule today (and get a lox bagel at the deli down the street before I head to Yarmouth). Here’s hoping your day is a little less frenzied.

Update: I got the bagel.

Life is Fun! Volume 1, Issue 4

Click to enjoy.

Daddy Daze Houskeeping

I did a little housekeeping around here today. Since Daddy Daze is now my primary blog, I want to keep things neatly organized. To that end I’m using some of the suggestions put forth in this great article at TypePad Hacks. It’s about creating a sort of “landing page” in TypePad; a single page that holds all pertinent information about the author and so on. TyepPad Hacks points to Anil Dash’s implementation of the idea (Anil is Vice President at Six Apart). It looks great, and I’m happy with my results.

Next on the agenda is the podcast page, though I’m not sure just how to dress it up. Actually producing more podcasts might be a good start…